After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
