I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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