i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
