I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
