Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
