I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
