You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
