My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
