I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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