Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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