upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
