i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
