I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
