Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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