I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
