Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sorry about my life...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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