rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
