I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
