I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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