About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
