I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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