I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
