I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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