She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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