Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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