the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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