I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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