His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
