the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
