I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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