I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
