She is in my trunk
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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