if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
