Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
