I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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