Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
This can only be settled by a dance off.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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