i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
