Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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