mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
