Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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