I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
