roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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