giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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