Church boner. Awkwardddd
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
