i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
