God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
