i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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