Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
