my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
