Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
