discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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