Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
